Relationship Compatibility Checklist: 25 Questions to Score
This compatibility checklist gives you 25 scored questions across six categories so you can identify where your relationship is strong or strained.
Use this relationship compatibility checklist by scoring each question 0, 1, or 2. A 0 means weak or unsafe alignment, 1 means mixed, and 2 means strong alignment. The highest-value answers are the ones that reveal what needs a conversation.
Scoring Guide
- 0: This area is misaligned, avoided, or unsafe.
- 1: This area is mixed, unclear, or inconsistent.
- 2: This area is aligned and supported by behavior.
Score from evidence, not optimism. If something only works after repeated reminders, pressure, or consequences, it is probably a 1 rather than a 2.
Answer separately if you are using this with a partner. The comparison is often more useful than the total score because it shows where one person feels settled and the other still feels unsure.
Communication Questions
- Can we talk about disappointment without one person shutting down or attacking?
- Do both people ask clarifying questions before defending themselves?
- Can we name hard truths without turning them into character attacks?
- Do important conversations lead to changed behavior?
Conflict Questions
- Do fights end with repair, not silence or punishment?
- Can either person apologize without adding a counterattack?
- Do we understand our most repeated conflict pattern?
- Does conflict stay emotionally and physically safe?
Trust Questions
- Are promises usually kept?
- Is privacy respected without secrecy becoming a pattern?
- Can we talk about insecurity without mockery?
- Do we both know what would rebuild trust after a rupture?
Values and Lifestyle Questions
- Do our spending priorities fit?
- Do our social needs fit?
- Do our home expectations fit?
- Do our family boundaries fit?
- Do our work and ambition patterns fit?
Future Questions
- Do we agree on commitment direction?
- Do we agree on children or no children?
- Do we agree on location and lifestyle goals?
- Do we agree on the kind of life we are building?
Decision Questions
- Is this relationship becoming clearer over time?
- Do I like who I am in this relationship?
- Are concerns being addressed, not just discussed?
- Would I choose this relationship as it actually is?
Prefer the interactive version of this checklist? The Phorrus compatibility assessment asks guided questions across these same categories, scores them for you, and returns a written read on where you stand.
How to Total Your Score
Add the 25 answers for a maximum score of 50. Then look at the category patterns before interpreting the total.
- 40-50: Strong compatibility evidence. Maintain the weak spots directly.
- 30-39: Good but uneven fit. Pick one category for a focused conversation.
- 20-29: Mixed or unstable fit. Pause bigger commitments until patterns improve.
- 0-19: Serious compatibility strain. Seek support and do not rely on hope alone.
The total score is useful, but it is not the whole answer. A 42 with a zero in trust is not automatically better than a 34 with no safety concerns and clear willingness to improve.
Category Interpretation
Communication scores show whether honesty can move through the relationship without becoming a threat. Low communication scores often mean one or both people are editing themselves to keep peace.
Conflict scores show whether the relationship can recover. Low conflict scores do not mean you fight too much. They usually mean the fight does not close cleanly.
Trust scores show whether the relationship has a stable floor. Low trust scores create mental load because one person has to monitor what should be reliable.
Values and lifestyle scores show daily fit. This is where resentment often builds quietly because the issues look too ordinary to name.
Future scores show whether the relationship is pointed in one direction. Love does not remove the need to agree on the shape of the life you are building, from children to sharing a home.
Decision scores show whether staying is becoming more conscious or more automatic.
What to Discuss First
Start with the lowest category that also feels changeable. Do not begin with the most explosive issue unless you have enough safety and support to discuss it well.
Use this sentence structure: "I scored this area low because I keep seeing this pattern. The change I would need to see is specific behavior."
For example: "I scored conflict low because we apologize but do not change the next fight. I would need us to name one behavior each of us will handle differently before we move on."
Common Scoring Mistakes
Do not give a 2 because someone is trying. Effort matters, but compatibility requires impact. If the relationship still feels unstable, score the current pattern.
Do not give a 0 because you are hurt in the moment. If the broader pattern is usually strong, wait until you are calm enough to score fairly.
Do not average two people into one answer too quickly. If one partner scores trust as 2 and the other scores it as 0, the relationship does not have a 1 problem. It has a reality-gap problem.
When to Bring in Support
Bring in support when scores are low in safety, trust, or conflict and the two of you cannot discuss those categories without escalation.
Support can mean therapy, trusted individual guidance, legal or financial advice before a shared commitment, or a private safety resource if there is fear. If you are unsure which tool fits, compare an assessment, quizzes, and therapy.
The checklist is meant to create clarity. It is not meant to make you handle a high-risk relationship alone.
What Research Adds
A checklist is useful when it turns vague doubt into categories that can be observed. Research on relationship stability supports this because repeated patterns, not isolated moods, are what make relationships easier or harder to sustain.
That is why the checklist separates communication, conflict, trust, values, future, and decision readiness. A total score helps, but a single weak foundation category can matter more than several comfortable categories. If you want to compare this checklist with other tools, see the ranked compatibility test options.
If you would rather not score 25 questions by hand, the Phorrus compatibility assessment does the scoring and interpretation for you in about 15 minutes.
FAQ
What Is a Good Checklist Score?
A good score is usually 40 or higher out of 50, as long as no safety or trust question is scored 0. One serious low score can matter more than the total.
Should Couples Answer Separately?
Yes. Answer separately first, then compare. The differences between your scores often reveal the most useful conversation.
What If We Score Low?
A low score means the relationship needs attention before deeper commitment. It does not automatically mean break up, but it does mean stop guessing.
Is There an Automated Version of This Checklist?
Yes. The Phorrus compatibility assessment covers the same categories with guided questions, scores your answers automatically, and returns a structured report so you do not have to total and interpret 25 items yourself.
Research References
- Kurdek, L. A. (2002). Predicting the timing of separation and marital satisfaction: An eight-year prospective longitudinal study. Identifies communication, conflict, and commitment variables that forecast outcomes, supporting scoring these categories instead of a single overall impression.
- Papp, L. M., Cummings, E. M., & Goeke-Morey, M. C. (2009). For richer, for poorer: Money as a topic of marital conflict in the home. Finds money conflicts are more recurrent and unresolved than other topics, supporting the checklist's separate values-and-lifestyle scoring.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Shows different processes predict early versus late divorce, reinforcing that a weak foundation category can matter more than a high total.
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